


The Musical Stylings of Neil Josten

by infernalstars



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boy Band, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Crossdressing, Fem!Neil, Inspired by Lemonade Mouth (2011), M/M, Neil Josten is a Mess, POV Neil Josten, Sassy Neil Josten, Slow Burn, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25132375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infernalstars/pseuds/infernalstars
Summary: Neil Josten is a singing prodigy.Until his mother dragged him away from that life and his father‘s criminal behavior. When his mother died, he narrowly escaped his father's clutches.In turn, he winds up at a high school in South Carolina for his senior year and manages to get detention on the first day. It’s here he meets the Monsters looking for a lead singer.This is his chance to be real. And to be free.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 133





	1. Turn Up The Music

**Author's Note:**

> So this is loosely inspired by Lemonade Mouth. Each Chapter will be inspired by a different song and it roughly follows the plot of Lemonade Mouth where the Monsters are Lemonade Mouth and the Ravens are Mudslide Crush. 
> 
> Non-beta’d bc I personally, cant be fucked so sorry if there’s any mistakes.
> 
> Hope you enjoy xx

_“Take a look around, who would have thought we’d all be here? So let's mess around, ‘cause the future’s so unclear.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__Neil tapped his pencil on the desk impatiently as the teacher in charge of detention confiscated the others’ phones. He sat down on his desk, staring down at all of them before a second leak started in the far corner of the room._ _

__He cursed, barking for one of the other boys to go put _something _under it while he stormed off to yell at the principal. The music department recently got booted to the basement where the ceiling constantly leaked and musical instruments were shoved into every nook and cranny.___ _

____“Jesus, the school is falling apart,” Neil muttered, staring at the ceiling stains._ _ _ _

____“No, just the basement,” one guy laughed from behind him. “If you’re upstairs with the varsity jackets it’s fine.”_ _ _ _

____Neil looked over at him. He was built like an athlete. The comment confused him._ _ _ _

____“You’re new, aren’t you?” asked the guy that put the trash can under the leak._ _ _ _

____Neil nodded. His plan had been to go unnoticed and wrap up senior year in silence but that was proving difficult. He couldn’t keep his mouth shut. His teachers were dumb and half the student population were rich assholes that targeted him._ _ _ _

____He couldn’t blend in here at all, but he was fairly certain no one knew who he really was here. He was safe._ _ _ _

____“I’m Nicky Hemmick,” he said, holding out a hand._ _ _ _

____Neil hesitated, but shook his hand. “Neil Josten.”_ _ _ _

____“Nice to meet you, Neil. The beanstalk behind you is Kevin Dayand the clones are Andrew and Aaron Minyard,” Nicky said with a smile._ _ _ _

____He just nodded in response. He didn’t feel like making friends. He looked down at the book he had propped open on his desk._ _ _ _

____“Okay, well, we can work on the new song while we're here,” Kevin said, getting up._ _ _ _

____Neil tensed slightly. It had been a while since he last sang or played anything._ _ _ _

____One of the twins groaned, lowering his head to the desk. The other twin huffed in annoyance getting up. He snatched up the bass guitar in the corner of the room. Nicky skipped over to the drums while Kevin sat down at the keyboard._ _ _ _

____He started playing a pretty song that slowly picked up speed. Nicky started banging away on the drums and one of the twins started strumming on the bass, humming the lyrics of the song._ _ _ _

____This went on for a moment before Kevin smashed his hands on the keyboard. “Aaron will you please get over here and sing,” he huffed._ _ _ _

____The twin behind Neil shook his head no and grumbled something insulting._ _ _ _

____Kevin smashed his hands on the keyboard again._ _ _ _

____“Whatever, start again,” Kevin said, starting up the tune again._ _ _ _

____This time Neil let himself really watch._ _ _ _

____“It’d sound better if Nicky came in with the beat first and then you picked up the melody,” Neil said, unable to help himself. He was a junkie. “And if Andrew started a few seconds later.”_ _ _ _

____“What the hell do you know?” Kevin snapped._ _ _ _

____Andrew narrowed his eyes at Neil who simply shrugged in response._ _ _ _

____“Nevermind,” he said, looking back at his book._ _ _ _

____“Why don’t we try it? What’s the harm,” Nicky said._ _ _ _

____Kevin glared at him but nodded to Nicky to start first. He picked up the melody a few moments later. The song built and Andrew joined in. Neil really liked watching his fingers move on the strings._ _ _ _

____He looked away, face warm. He couldn’t help but wonder what else those fingers might be good at. He hated himself for the thought._ _ _ _

____No distractions. No fantasizing. No time for Andrew Minyard._ _ _ _

____“Neil! You’re a genius!” Nicky exclaimed._ _ _ _

____Neil flinched slightly but didn’t comment further._ _ _ _

____“How’d you know to do that?” Kevin asked._ _ _ _

____Neil shook his head. “Just some music classes I took at my old school.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you take any singing lessons? Will you practice with us!” Nicky begged. “We’re trying to find a lead sing and--”_ _ _ _

____“You’re making him uncomfortable, Nicky.”_ _ _ _

____It was Andrew. His face was completely neutral as tuned the instrument strapped to him._ _ _ _

____“Oh.”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t sing,” Neil said._ _ _ _

____“Fine. Aaron. Please!” Nicky begged._ _ _ _

____Aaron huffed in annoyance but got up, snatching the paper from Kevin. He let them play and Kevin nodded to him when he should start. Neil doubted Aaron was trying, or cared but he was god awful._ _ _ _

____Neil physically cringed at the sounds he made._ _ _ _

____“Jesus Christ,” he whispered to himself._ _ _ _

____“What?” Kevin asked, cutting the song short yet again._ _ _ _

____“Nothing. Just don’t pick Aaron as your lead singer.”_ _ _ _

____Nicky snorted a laugh, getting hit with the mic a moment later by Aaron._ _ _ _

____“Cause you’re any better,” Kevin snarled._ _ _ _

____A challenge._ _ _ _

____Kevin was a well known musical prodigy who abandoned his foster brothers band a year ago. Neil had read all about it. He was supposed to grow up in the prodigal son life Kevin did._ _ _ _

____His mother tore him away before that could happen._ _ _ _

____Neil didn’t like to back down from a challenge. Especially not for a primadonna like Kevin Day.  
So, he got up and snatched the mic from Aaron. Aaron handed him the lyrics. _ _ _ _

____“This song's shit,” Neil mumbled._ _ _ _

____“Told you,” Andrew said to Kevin_ _ _ _

____“Just...sing it,” Kevin huffed._ _ _ _

____He started playing and Neil waited patiently for his cue. When he started singing he forgot why he’d ever stopped. For a moment he forgot about how he sang to his mom as she faded from the world. He felt amazing._ _ _ _

____“Holy shit,” Nicky whispered. “You’re amazing.”_ _ _ _

____“And you said you didn’t sing,” Kevin said with a grin._ _ _ _

____“Yeah I don't,” Neil said, putting the mic back and sitting down._ _ _ _

____“You could beat Riko,” Kevin said breathlessly._ _ _ _

____“Rising Star,” Nicky nodded._ _ _ _

____A talent competition where the winner gets a record label. Riko’s band was set to win. Neil knew all these things of course._ _ _ _

____“No.”_ _ _ _

____“Think about it.”_ _ _ _

____“No.”_ _ _ _

____“He said no, Kev. Ask again and I’ll break your fingers,” Andrew said._ _ _ _

____Why was he defending him? Neil glanced up at the bassist. His pretty blonde hair and leather jacket. Neil stared for too long._ _ _ _

____“You’re staring, Josten.”_ _ _ _

____“Sorry.”_ _ _ _

____“Will you think about it,” Kevin asked a second later._ _ _ _

____“Fine.”_ _ _ _

____Kevin and Nicky high fived._ _ _ _

____Neil knew his answer already. Knew it’d probably get him killed, but he lived for the rush. And the chance to sing again was too good to pass up._ _ _ _

____How could he say no?_ _ _ _

____What did he have to lose?_ _ _ _


	2. Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil Josten's miniature identity crisis ft. femme boy neil jsoten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> non-beta'd again. i really just love neil okay.
> 
> anyway, next chapter has riko!!!!

_“What it would mean to me, to feel like somebody.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__Neil hardly paid attention in class the next few days. It was pointless._ _

__All he could think about was the band. Rising Star. A record label. He could hide in plain sight as Neil Josten, afford to pay off his debts and be free. That is, if they won. And they would win._ _

__It was too hopeful though. Hope was dangerous._ _

__He wasn’t sure he liked it._ _

__To really and fully be Neil Josten sounded too good to be true. To be real. To be Neil. Not Nathaniel, Alex, or any other name his mother came up with. He had a chance to be real._ _

__That sounded like a dangerous dream._ _

__What was annoying more than anything else was Kevin and Nicky’s constant begging and asking. Every fucking day. Kevin was just as much of a junkie as he was for music. Nicky was just hyperactive and nosy._ _

__Andrew on the other hand, simply moved seats to sit next to him in a shared class and didn’t say a word to him. He was a mystery to Neil and ultimately confused him. He wasn’t sure what he was meant to make of his steady presence next to him in U.S. History._ _

__It wasn’t until the third day that he realized Andrew was attempting to figure him out, studying him. Not that Neil minded so much, but the fear of being known and such still got to him. If someone asked ‘Who is Neil Josten?’ there shouldn’t be an answer. He was no one important._ _

__Neil got the impression that Andrew didn’t like unknowns._ _

__“Why don’t you bother me about the band like the others,” Neil asked when he arrived early to history class one day._ _

__Andrew glanced up from his phone, looking over at him for a moment before looking back down at his Twitter feed. “Nicky and Kevin are annoying fucks,” he said, “And I can’t make you do anything.”_ _

__Neil took in his full appearance. From the chipped black nail polish to his leather jacket. His white-blonde hair. Haunting green eyes, pale lips, scarred wrists, ripped jeans. He looked like he belonged in a band, Neil thought._ _

__“You’d make a shitty spy, Josten” Andrew hummed. “You’re not subtle.”_ _

__Neil laughed under his breath, turning away from him._ _

__“Hypothetically, if I joined the band--”_ _

__“Hypothetically,” Andrew agreed, suddenly interested in the conversation._ _

__Neil swallowed hard and lowered his voice. He fought against his mother's voice in his head telling him no, telling him to get on a bus and get out of town as he said: “I have some people after me.”_ _

__“Oh, do tell,” Andrew leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. He had a mischievous smirk on his face that Neil had to turn away from._ _

__“I was supposed to be brought up like Kevin, but with singing. My dad...he’s a bad person. My mom and I had to run. He owes a lot of people some money but...he’s not around so the people are after me. I’ve been hiding--”_ _

__“That explains it,” Andrew said, interrupting him again._ _

__“Explains what?”_ _

__“Why Neil Josten doesn’t exist online.”_ _

__“You--On--”_ _

__Neil’s heart stopped for a fraction of a second. His eyes flickered between the door and the emergency exit window. He started to angle his chair best for a quick escape, but Andrew’s reflexes were faster._ _

__He should have listened to his mother's voice. He should have run the moment Kevin Day showed interest._ _

__Andrew grabbed Neil’s chair to keep it in place._ _

__“I’m sorry you’ve got people after you, Neil,” he said the name in a low snarl. “I don’t know who you are or why you showed up here of all places but if you even think about hurting my family--”_ _

__“Aaron’s a dick, but I wouldn’t hurt him--”_ _

__“Kevin, Nicky, their partners,” Andrew continued ignoring him, “I will fucking end you.”_ _

__Neil flinched slightly but nodded. It wasn’t a hyperbole. He was serious. Andrew Minyard would put him six feet under and himself behind bars for his family._ _

__“I don’t want to hurt them, I just want to sing. If we win Rising Star--which we will if I’m there--I can afford to pay off my fathers debt and get them all off my back. All I want is my freedom and to sing.”_ _

__“That’s lame,” Andrew hissed as the bell rang. Then, “You think we could win.”_ _

__Neil nodded, turning his attention to the front of the room as the lesson started._ _

__-_ _

__Neil starred in the bathroom mirror. His reflection stared back at him._ _

__Brown contacts, brown hair. Dull._ _

__Freckles. Maybe a little interesting._ _

__An oversized t-shirt and zip up hoodie. Thrifted for a dollar each. Dull. Trashy._ _

__It was meant to hide him, but he was going to be the front man for a band. He was going to have to do better. He sighed, leaving the boys bathroom and heading out of the school building. He walked down the street to the bus stop._ _

__Once safely in the back of the bus he unzipped his backpack and counted the money inside. He could afford some new clothes, he thought._ _

__He wondered what he’d buy. What did he want?_ _

__He’d never once been asked that before. Not one had he considered his wants._ _

__Neil got off the bus at the mall, heading straight for Forever 21 where he knew clothes would be the cheapest. He headed toward the small guys section, but found his eyes wandering toward the small display of skirts in the front of the store._ _

__No._ _

__He started to turn back to the t-shirt display only to bump into a worker. She had pretty, honey-blonde hair and blue-gray eyes. Neil stumbled back, apologizing profusely._ _

__“You don’t just have to stare at the skirts, hun,” she said. “You can try them on.”_ _

__He looked over at the skirts. “That’s not weird?”_ _

__“Oh no. Besides, you’d look super cute in that red skirt!” She walked over to the display. “Have I seen you before?” she asked over her shoulder._ _

__He studied her, eyes finding her name tag. Allison. He tilted his head slightly._ _

__“Oh my god!” she gasped. “Mr. McKenna’s chemistry? Fifth period! I sit behind you.”_ _

__“Oh! Right,” he said quietly._ _

__“Neil, right?”_ _

__So much for being invisible. He nodded._ _

__She held up the skirt to him and nodded, gathering a few more. She grabbed a few sweaters and shirts as she guided him back to the fitting rooms._ _

__“Renee,” Allison greeted her co-worker in the fitting room. “This is Neil. Take good care of him.” She piled the clothes in Renee’s arms._ _

__Renne was shorter than Allison but still taller than Neil. She smiled at Neil, dumping the clothes into the fitting room for him. “I’m out here if you need any other sizes.”_ _

__He nodded and locked himself in the fitting room. He turned away when he changed out his beige shirt for an off white turtleneck. He zipped up the red checkered skirt and turned to look at himself in the mirror._ _

__He froze. He looked good._ _

__A knock on the door startled him. “All good in there,” Renee asked._ _

__Neil nodded, opening up the door. He held out the t-shirts to her. “Could you maybe grab...I don’t know...other sweaters or hoodies to go with the skirts. I hate short sleeves,” he said._ _

__Renee smiled and nodded. “The skirt looks nice on you.”_ _

__Neil smiled, turning to look in the mirror. He did look good._ _

__Then he wondered--did he look like Neil Josten?_ _

__-_ _

__Neil sat down next to Andrew who froze in the middle of sipping his coffee._ _

__“What the fuck are you wearing, Josten?”_ _

__Neil grinned, sitting down with a pretty smile. He crossed his legs as he leaned back._ _

__“Your eyes are blue? What the actual fuck,” he whispered._ _

__Neil wore a black sweater and a baby blue skirt. Complemented by high rise socks and all white Converse. He leaned forward on the table with a big grin._ _

__“You like it?”_ _

__“Nicky is going to piss himself,” Andrew said breathlessly._ _

__Neil could have sworn his future bandmate was blushing. He had to be imagining it, though._ _

__“Oh, he asked me which way I swung when he saw me in the hall earlier. I think he liked it,” he laughed, setting his bag on the floor._ _

__Andrew nodded “Well?”_ _

__“Well what?”_ _

__“Which way,” Andrew asked._ _

__His shoulders were tense. He couldn’t seem to look away from Neil._ _

__“I told him I didn’t.”_ _

__It wasn’t a lie. Andrew just nodded, shaking his head for a second._ _

__“Can I ask why you’re dressed like this?”_ _

__“Well, I thought the lead singer of a band ought to look nice, no?” Neil asked with a smile._ _

__“So, you’re doing it? You’re actually doing it?” Andrew asked._ _

__Neil grinned, nodding._ _

__“Well, Neil Josten. Welcome to the Monsters.”_ _


	3. Determinate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Neil Josten does not fear Riko and stops being a rabbit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i mentioned my love for Neil? anyway, enjoy this mess?? 
> 
> non-beta’d so sorry if there’s a mistake.

_“I want to cry, I can't deny, Tonight I wanna up and hide, And get inside, It isn't right, I gotta live in my life.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__“I signed us up for the Halloween Bash,” Nicky said, sitting down at their lunch table._ _

__Kevin spat out his water, turning to face him. He coughed, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Neil barely missed getting water sprayed all over him._ _

__“You did _what? _The Ravens are playing Halloween!” Kevin hissed.___ _

____Some nearby tables turned to look at them. Andrew rolled his eyes and threw napkins at him. He looked unphased by the news, but the way he glanced at Kevin suggested worry. Then again, Neil thought, Andrew was hard to read._ _ _ _

____“We’re playing two songs. Just opening for them. We only have two songs to play anyway,” Nicky said. “We need to practice for Rising Star. It’s just a few weeks away.”_ _ _ _

____Neil nodded, but Kevin looked mortified next to him. “We took away some of their set. Are you insane!”_ _ _ _

____Nicky’s smile never faded._ _ _ _

____He was right, Neil thought. They needed practice for Rising Star. Singing in Kevin’s garage was one thing. Performing, having all eyes on him was another._ _ _ _

____“What’s the big deal?” he asked._ _ _ _

____Andrew snorted a laugh. “Everyone loves the Ravens, Neil. The Monsters stole their precious Kevin Day away and then took away their set. They hate us. We’ll be sure to piss some people off, specifically--”_ _ _ _

____“Riko,” Neil said._ _ _ _

____But he wasn’t guessing. Riko was walking up to their table now._ _ _ _

____His dark black hair was styled out of his face, his brown eyes were dark and dangerous. He was hungry for blood. He wore a black t-shirt, ripped jeans and a bright orange letterman jacket. Around his neck was a small silver chess piece._ _ _ _

_____The King. ____ _ _ _

______Neil felt sick. His anxiety spiked and Kevin tensed next to him. This could not possibly end well. Andrew seemed ready to pounce across the table._ _ _ _ _ _

______This was going to end _horribly. _____ _ _ _ _

________“Afternoon, gentleman...well,” Riko said then glanced at Neil, causing the boy to tug self consciously at his skirt. Riko shrugged. “Anyway, I hear we’re sharing the stage at the Bash this weekend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kevin was pale, hands shaking in his lap. Neil leaned forward on the table. He wasn’t going to take shit from him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Now was not the time to be a rabbit. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Did you have anything useful to say?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Excuse me?” Riko asked, a bit thrown off by Neil’s tone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Clearly someone needed him in his place. And Kevin, with twice as much talent, was too scared. Neil had heard the Raven’s play. They were absolute shit. They got to the top because of Riko's money and because he wore that disgusting orange letterman jacket._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Are you just going to tell us what we already know or do you have something to contribute?” Neil asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You’ve got balls for a boy in a skirt,” Riko hissed. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew was tense across the table. Nicky grabbed his arm and Neil could have sworn he saw the flash of blade; Silver flashing under white fluorescent lights._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Neil Josten,” he said, standing up and holding out his hand. Riko glared at it like he might catch the plague if he shook it. “Who the fuck do _you _think you are?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Do you seriously not know who I am? What I’m capable of,” he growled._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh, I’d like to see you try and lay a hand on me, Moriyama,” Neil said in a low voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He wasn’t afraid and Riko knew it. Neil could see the fear in his eyes. He knew it was his father's blood inside him that made him love the fear he’d instilled in Riko._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’d kill you,” Riko laughed. “You won’t live to perform at Rising Star if you keep talking to me like that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Andrew’s chair went flying backwards. Nicky grabbed his cousin’s arm, pulling him back. Neil only heard the roar of his heart pounding in his ears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Get in line. Oh and, by the way? Insulting how I dress won’t change the fact that we’re winning Rising Star. I will knock you off the pedestal the world has convinced you you deserve. You compensate for talent with money, you treat your bandmates and fans like shit...the King will fall,” he said pointing at the necklace Riko wore. “You want fame and even more fortune. How far will you go? Someday, when you’ve reached your limit, you’ll realize the money, the fame...you never could get enough. It will destroy you in the end.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Riko’s hands balled into fists and he stormed off out of the cafeteria. The whole room was silent. With all the attention, Neil found his instinct was to run and hide. He saw back down, calmly picking up his sandwich._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________No running today._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Shit. You’ve got a lot of fight in you, huh?” Nicky grinned down at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil simply shrugged. He knew the type of guy Riko was. His ego was frail and he was only praised because he made people fear doing otherwise. His castle would crumble if he lost Rising Star._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You really think we can beat him?” Kevin asks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil grinned. “I know we can.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The night of the Halloween Bash, Neil had to fight every instinct that told him to run. He wanted to be so far from where he was (back stage, warming up with Kevin)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Tonight he wore a yellow striped sweater and a black skirt. He had Nicky help him dye his hair close to its natural red, the curly mess on his head in need of a cut soon. He stood out now in the skirts and with his blue eyes and bright hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He couldn’t hide anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He had to stand his ground. No more running._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Nicky had held him down long enough to line his blue eyes with black. He said it completed the look and Neil...well he had to agree._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He was going to be noticed and remembered tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You’ll do great, you know,” Kevin said sincerely._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Andrew appeared next to them, shoving a water bottle at Neil. Neil chugged it, looking out at the stage. He exhaled slowly. This was their chance to practice performing before Rising Star, gain support. Nicky appeared next to them, his longer hair tied back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Hey, hey rockstars,” he grinned. “We’re gonna knock their socks off.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Keep your foot fetish to yourself, Nicky,” Neil retorted._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Andrew smirked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Sixty seconds,” a stagehand told them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You guys ready?” Kevin asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Are you?” Andrew answered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The tallest bandmate shook his head no. “No, but I really wanna see Riko’s face when he sees how good we are.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil grinned. “Then let's do this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil Josten stepped on stage to the sound of booing. Everyone was mad they took the set from the Ravens. That didn’t stop him from spying Riko in the crowd. He met his eye and grinned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He leaned into the mic and said, “If you’re done, we’d like to sing a song that Kevin and I wrote. I think you just might like it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He nodded to Kevin who started playing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The crowd fell silent as the great Kevin Day played his keyboard. According to Kevin, he was classically trained on a grand piano, but the keyboard would do just fine. He created the most beautiful songs on his instrument of choice, Neil thought._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil started singing low, melodically into the mic. And just when the audience seemed bored the song picked up. Heavy and intense, Neil gave it his all. He couldn’t help but grin when Riko looked surprised._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He didn’t ask why Kevin was so afraid of Riko. It wasn’t his business, but it felt sickeningly good to see him look worried._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It felt good to stop running and have the spotlight on him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Riko was fuming when the Monsters finished. He glared up at Neil who blew a kiss right at him. Fuck him, fuck Kevin. Fuck all of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil Josten was in his way. He seemed to be a genuine threat to the record deal. To fame._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Not for long, he thought. Not for long._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	4. He's So Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Neil Josten learns the price of being Neil Josten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depression is hitting hard and i can't be bothered to even edit this, im trying to wrap it up so i can focus on my own book but uh enjoy i guess
> 
> theres a bit of a steamy scene but not really?? also minor trigger warning for nightmares at the start

_“Are you shocked? Are you mad? That you're missing out on who I really am.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__Neil woke up with a gasp. He was curled up in a ball on the bed he slept in each night. It was some family's vacation home that wasn’t being used. He’d be gone before they came back for the summer anyway._ _

__He pushed his hair back breathing hard._ _

__He could hear his mother’s voice ringing in his ears from the dream. He wondered if that was really how her voice sounded or if he was making it up. He no longer remembered what her voice sounded like. It was the first thing you forgot about a person and he hated it._ _

__On some weird instinct he grabbed his phone._ _

__What the hell was he doing?_ _

__He just needed to hear someone else's voice. Not his mother’s voice scolding him. Not his mother yelling for the YouTube video of the Monsters going viral. Not the media getting wind of his name._ _

__He wanted to hear his voice._ _

__“What the fuck,” Andrew hissed into the phone._ _

__Neil’s eyes found the alarm clock next to him. 2:31._ _

__“Sorry,” he said quietly._ _

__“Don’t apologize. Apologizes are a waste of breath.”_ _

__Neil wanted to apologize again but bit his tongue._ _

__“Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?”_ _

__“You were sleeping?”_ _

__“Don’t answer my question with a question.”_ _

__“I’m not sure,” Neil said quietly. “I wanted to hear your voice, I think. I had a bad dream.”_ _

__“I wasn’t.”_ _

__Wasn’t sleeping._ _

__Good. Neil felt a little bit better._ _

__“Okay.”_ _

__“You just wanted to hear my voice?”_ _

__Neil frowned at the question. “I guess...I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight.”_ _

__Andrew laughed. “Clearly.”_ _

__Neil’s brows furrowed. “Clearly?”_ _

__“Never mind. Are you hungry?”_ _

__“I guess…”_ _

__“Meet me at the Waffle House near the school?”_ _

__Neil frowned. He wondered how long he’d have to wait to get the bus at this hour. “Um, I don’t know if I could get there…”_ _

__“I’ll pick you up, text me your address.”_ _

__The line went dead. Neil stared around the dark room. What the fuck just happened? He looked down as his phone buzzed. Andrew’s message appeared on screen, asking if he actually wanted to go. He found himself replying that he did want to go. He added in his address in a second measure._ _

__He got up, flicking on the lights as he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. While the days were hot, the nighttime seemed to suck up all the humidity and left the air cool._ _

__He flicked off the light and padded down the stairs to wait on the porch, tying his shoes. He tapped his foot patiently on the pavement._ _

__What the hell was he doing going out with Andrew at two in the morning. He felt a weird tingle of excitement every time a car drove past._ _

__Andrew pulled in after fifteen minutes of waiting and Neil nearly ran to the car with excitement. He climbed in the passenger seat of the fancy sports car Andrew drove._ _

__The blonde was staring up at the house. “This is really yours?”_ _

__“What’s that supposed to mean?”_ _

__Andrew backed out of the driveway. “Well,” he started, “You said you were on the run, no? Why would you and your mom buy a house easily worth double whatever you owe if you’re on the--”_ _

__“My mom’s dead,” Neil said in a low voice._ _

__“Oh,” Andrew said, no emotion present on his face or his voice._ _

__“It’s someone's vacation home.”_ _

__Andrew nodded as he sped through a yellow light. He didn’t look at Neil, didn’t give anything away. Why did he insist on having that wall up?_ _

__“You aren’t all dressed up tonight,” Andrew said as they drove._ _

__“It’s two in the morning. I also think I’m dressed perfectly for the Waffle House,” Neil commented, looking down at his sweats._ _

__Andrew wore a hoodie and jeans. “I like when you wear the skirts,” he said quietly. “They look nice.”_ _

__His voice was strained. Neil’s cheeks felt warm, his stomach felt fuzzy._ _

__“Uh. Thank you.”_ _

__Andrew just nodded as they pulled into the parking lot._ _

__Both boys climbed out and sat down in a booth together._ _

__“Why were you awake at two in the morning,” Neil asked, ignoring the menu._ _

__Andrew kept his eyes fixed on his menu. “I work nights at a bar.”_ _

__“Huh,” he said thoughtfully. “That’s where you were?”_ _

__“No. My sleep schedule is just fucked now.”_ _

__Neil nodded, asking the waitress for a hot chocolate to drink. Andrew ordered the same but with extra whipped cream._ _

__“Why did you ask me here?”_ _

__“I’m hungry and you were up.”_ _

__Neil nodded again. Andrew was confusing._ _

__“Why did you want to know which way I swung?” he asked._ _

__Andrew set the menu down, accepting that Neil was going to keep talking even if he ignored it. He tilted his head at Neil._ _

__“I’m not blind, Neil. You’re attractive,” Andrew said simply._ _

__Neil looked startled by this information, sitting back with the shock of it all._ _

__“Nicky was right. You are oblivious.”_ _

__Andrew’s small, breathy laugh left butterflies in Neil’s stomach swarming. He managed to mutter a thank you to the waitress who handed them their drinks and gave them more time with the menus._ _

__He thought about Andrew sitting in his history class with him, the blush on his cheeks the first time Neil wore a skirt. The look of pride in his eyes as they stepped off the stage at the Bash. The way he caught him staring at rehearsals._ _

__Maybe Neil did know this whole time. Then he thought, maybe he was blocking it out these last few weeks. A survival instinct inherited from his mother, built on the basis of having only shitting examples of love._ _

__“Neil?”_ _

__Neil looked up at Andrew. His pretty blonde hair and green eyes, the fresh black polish wrapped around his mug. Neil really wanted to know what else he could do with those hands. He felt sick._ _

__“Yes?”_ _

__“You look ugly when you think,” Andrew said, sipping his drink._ _

__“Do not!” he hissed._ _

__Andrew smirked._ _

__“Hypothetically,” Neil started._ _

__“You know, whenever you say hypothetically it’s actually reality,” Andrew observed._ _

__Neil chose to ignore this information. He pushed forward, “If I did swing...and it was toward…”_ _

__He faltered. He really didn’t swing towards guys. He didn’t swing. He never lied about that much, but something about Andrew was different. Something attracted Neil to Andrew._ _

__“Toward…?”_ _

__“I don’t know. It’s complicated,” he admitted._ _

__“Well, I’m not a mind reader, I need to know what’s going on up there,” he pointed to Neil’s head._ _

__Neil sipped on his drink. “I think it’s just you, ‘Drew.”_ _

__Andrew didn’t give away a damn thing. His hand twitched at the nickname but Neil didn’t know if that was good or bad. His heart started beating faster._ _

__“Just me?” Neil nodded. “Why?”_ _

__He shrugged. “No idea. I don’t really care about anyone else. You just…”_ _

__-_ _

__It was an hour later after having eaten waffles and bacon that Andrew and Neil were sitting in Andrew’s car in a heated kiss. They were in Neil’s driveway, they had been for a while, but Neil couldn’t bring himself to pull back from the sweet taste of syrup on Andrew’s lips._ _

__Neil pulled back enough to catch his breath, only to have Andrew kiss down his neck. His breath left his chest quickly. He grabbed onto his shoulders, a small noise leaving him. It was enough to make Andrew growl low and suck on the spot._ _

__“‘Drew…” Neil said breathlessly._ _

__“Hm?” he asked, pulling back._ _

__Andrew looked pretty with a lazy smile on swollen lips with eyes hazy from want. Neil liked the sight before him. Neil leaned forward kissing him again._ _

__His pants were uncomfortably tight but he kept kissing him._ _

__“You should go. We have an early rehearsal tomorrow,” Andrew said quietly as he pulled back. “Kevin will have our heads on a platter…”_ _

__Neil nodded because he was right. Kevin would kill them._ _

__“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Neil said quietly. He kissed him again before climbing out of the car feeling like he was floating on cloud nine._ _

__He sat down on his bed once he got inside._ _

__There was no running now. How could he when he wanted to keep feeling Andrew’s lips on his. If that was the price of being Neil Josten, then damn it all to hell. He wanted to be Neil Josten._ _


	5. More Than a Band

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Neil and Andrew have to discuss important things, and Riko is dick again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: homophobia!!!!! 
> 
> so i think this is my favorite chapter but i'll apologize for the ending. the final chapter may take a bit longer i have a lot i want to include in there but enjoy this for now!!!!!

_“I can't pretend, to know how you feel, but know that I'm here, know that I'm real.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__The weeks leading up to Rising Star felt like a dream._ _

__Neil’s life had become a fantasy. Some weird, twisted reality that he’d been previously denied. Love and friendship and getting to sing. All things his mother claimed he couldn’t afford. Now they were his for the taking._ _

__During practices when Nicky would rush out of the noisy garage to call his boyfriend and Kevin would chase after begging him to come back, Andrew stole secret kisses with Neil. Andrew drove Neil home, stealing kisses in the back seat of his car in Neil’s driveway. Sometimes in quiet corners of the school during their free periods._ _

__Neil never pushed but he did let himself wonder why Andrew was so private with it. Why they didn’t hold hands like Katelyn and Aaron walking up to the school in the morning as they sun rose? Why didn’t he kiss him goodbye after class?_ _

__He let it slide until one day in history, when he was feeling particularly bold in a black skirt, off-white sweater and Andrew’s leather jacket._ _

__(Nicky had eyed the jacket curiously when he spotted Neil but thought better about asking.)_ _

__Neil stared at Andrew. A horrible habit of his, according to Andrew._ _

__“Yes?” Andrew asked, setting his phone down._ _

__Neil smiled. “Why are you so secretive about us?”_ _

__“There’s no us,” Andrew said harshly._ _

__“I’m wearing your jacket,” Neil pointed out. “And come on, you can’t act like you don’t feel anything--”_ _

__Andrew didn’t say anything. He just looked dead ahead._ _

__“Are you not out yet or something?”_ _

__Andrew turned to look at him. “Why does it matter?”_ _

__“I just want to show you off,” Neil said simply. “Are you embarrassed to be with me?”_ _

__He picked at the material of his skirt. He knew Andrew loved the skirts, he’d spent the last few weeks praising him for them, but what if the support stopped at whatever fettish he had. He studied the leather jacket he wore that smelled firstly of leather and secondly like vanilla--like Andrew. He hated, for a moment, that he recognized the scent with ease._ _

__Andrew nudged his foot with his to get his attention._ _

__“I like how you dress, dumbass. Why would I be embarrassed,” Andrew said, his voice a tad softer than before._ _

__Neil smiled a bit. “You’re just a softie, aren’t you?”_ _

__“I’m in a rock band. I gotta keep up the bad guy facade, Josten. I can’t go and ruin it,” Andrew said, gesturing to his all black outfit._ _

__This made Neil laugh. Andrew was violent in his reactions, painfully rude at times-- but a bad boy? No. Neil had seen him squeezing fresh lemonade with Kevin’s dad’s girlfriend during band practices. He’d seen him helping Nicky with his history homework, helping Aaron’s girlfriend fix her makeup. He walked neighborhood dogs and worked part time at a bar to help pay rent._ _

__“What’re you laughing at?”_ _

__“You’re not a bad guy.”_ _

__“Yeah,” Andrew said quietly. “Why do you want to make...this...public?” He gestured vaguely between them, keeping his voice low._ _

__Neil studied him, thinking about how they sat on the couch in Neil’s living room, watching an old Disney movie. Thinking about how Andrew casually held him against his side. He wanted that closeness all the time._ _

__“I mean the whole world doesn’t have to know but like...if your family knew...our friends…? I don’t like hiding from them,” Neil said._ _

__Andrew huffed in annoyance. “Nicky’s never gonna shut up about this you know. He’ll tell everyone.”_ _

__Neil smiled. “I’ve found that I quite like attention.”_ _

__It was Andrew’s turn to laugh. “I noticed.”_ _

__Neil looked down at the desk with a blush. “So that’s a yes?”_ _

__Andrew didn’t answer, didn’t even look at him. He didn’t have to. He took his hand in his._ _

__-_ _

__Andrew slipped an arm around Neil at lunch as he offered up half his cookie._ _

__Nicky, as Andrew suspected, froze up. His eyes widened at the sight before him. “Oh my god, stop teasing us and tell me already. Are you two a thing?”_ _

__Neil didn’t expect the question to fluster him so much. He blushed red, leaning into Andrew._ _

__“Yeah, Nicky,” Andrew said._ _

__Neil swore he wore the faintest hint of a smile when he said it._ _

__Next to Nicky, Aaron rolled his eyes and resumed his conversation with his girlfriend Katelyn. Aaron was, to put it nicely, really fucking homophobic. He wasn’t shy about it either. According to Andrew, he was working on it. Neil didn’t see that at all. Not that it mattered to him in the end. Andrew was the twin that mattered._ _

__“God, next thing you know, Kevin will have a coming out party,” Riko hummed as he approached the table._ _

__Kevin glared up at him. “I came out last year. You were there.”_ _

__Riko snorted. “Fa--”_ _

__“Watch your mouth, Riko,” Andrew said in a low, scary voice._ _

__Neil stiffened under his arm. He tugged lightly on Andrew’s shirt in a weak attempt to calm him down._ _

__Riko rolled his eyes. “The all gay boy band or the people with actual talent…? Hm? I wonder who the judges will pick at Rising Star?”_ _

__“Okay, seriously. What the fuck do you have against us? Are you mad that Kevin left you? Angry because we don’t suck or you just a dick for no reason,” Neil said, sick of his shit. “Or...are you compensating for your dick…?”_ _

__Neil gestured down to Riko’s jeans, tilting his head with a smirk._ _

__Riko glared at him, gripping the edge of the table with white knuckles. Andrew’s hold on his partner tightened. “Listen here you piece of shit nobody--I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but you will never beat me at my own game.”_ _

__“What game are we playing? Chess,” Neil asked, reaching to touch the necklace Riko wore._ _

__Before he could pull back, Neil pulled him down by his necklace. They were mere inches apart now. A teacher across the room was starting toward them to break it up._ _

__“I was always meant to beat you. I was always and will always be better than you,” he growled. “The King will fall, Riko. One way or another he always does.”_ _

__Riko actually looked quite scared as Neil let him go. He rubbed the back of his neck, stepped away from the boy in the skirt._ _

__“You’re insane.”_ _

__“No, but my dad is. And the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” Neil winked._ _

__Riko stormed off to his bandmates across the room. He was fuming._ _

__“Holy shit,” Aaron whispered, never having witnessed Neil going off on Riko before._ _

__Neil leaned into Andrew’s touch. His hand burned where he had grabbed the chess piece necklace. He felt sick. He felt all too much like his dad--without the murdering bit. Andrew kissed the top of his head, despite all the people around them._ _

__“How long has this been going on?” Nicky pointed between them, his one track mind showing._ _

__Neil just smiled. “A few weeks.”_ _

__“What did you mean when you said you were meant to beat Riko?” Kevin asked, staring at him. He had a one track mind of his own._ _

__Neil swallowed hard. Andrew squeezed his shoulder, a reminder that he was there and that he owed them nothing._ _

__“I was a singing prodigy. I was supposed to compete with you and Riko growing up. Then my dad killed some people. Owed a shit ton of money and I had to run,” he whispered, giving a summarized version of his tragic life._ _

__“We--Wes--” Kevin stumbled to find the right name._ _

__“Wesninski.” The name felt like bile in his throat. “That’s not me anymore.”_ _

__“Holy shit, your dad--”_ _

__“Shut up, Nicky. There’s a reason he doesn't use that name,” Andrew defended._ _

__Both he and Andrew knew he didn’t need defending, but it felt good to have someone by his side. He exhaled slowly, melting into his boyfriend's touch._ _

__“Riko tried to break my hand so I couldn’t play when I wanted to leave,” Kevin said. “He knows we’ll beat him. Thank you for standing up to him.”_ _

__“I’d stab him if it wouldn’t get me caught,” Neil grumbled, picking his fork up._ _

__-_ _

__Andrew started to pull up to Neil’s house when he slammed on the breaks.There were two cop cars in the driveway. Neil looked up from his phone._ _

__“Andrew, keep going. Go, keep driving,” he said, hitting his arm lightly. “Go, go.”_ _

__Andrew did, he sped off down the road. He drove ten minutes back to his house. He stopped in the driveway, turning the car off. He looked at Neil who sat still hugging his duffle bag._ _

__“Neil,” Andrew said quietly to get his attention._ _

__“I don’t have anywhere to go,” he said quietly. “I...have to leave. They’ll find me. They’ll figure it out.”_ _

__Andrew narrowed his eyes, was he crying. “Bullshit. You can stay with us.”_ _

__Neil was crying, he was shaking. Andrew didn’t want to imagine what he was thinking. He slipped his arm around Neil, pulling him close._ _

__“I have to leave after Rising Star, ‘Drew.”_ _

__“I-I can’t make you stay,” Andrew admitted, because he couldn’t._ _

__He wanted Neil to stay. He wanted to graduate with Neil, go to school together. He wanted to give him the world and more. But he couldn’t force it. He would be there for Neil and would let him go if he needed to._ _

__What else could he do?_ _

__He wouldn’t let this last week with Neil go to waste, that’s for sure._ _


	6. Breakthrough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rising Star! & Neil being existential for a minute ft. soft Andrew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER!  
> this one took a while because of work and my own creativity just...not existing for a minute...anyway, i won't be writing a multi-part fic for a while because this was exhausting.  
> anyway, hope you enjoy!  
> thank you for reading <3

_“Sometimes it's provin' to the world it was wrong.” ___

__

__-_ _

__

__

__Riko cornered him in the hallway when he was alone. No Nicky, Andrew or even his demon twin Aaron. And no Kevin. No one to protect the boy in the skirt._ _

__He slammed Neil Josten into the lockers, the boys head smacking against the lockers. The sound echoed down the empty halls. Josten hadn’t even seen him coming. When he started moving to fight back, Riko held up his phone. The picture of Neil’s father stunned him._ _

__His crystalline eyes widened._ _

__“What do you want?” he asked, shoving Riko back._ _

__“Drop out of Rising Star,” he said. “And no one needs to know who you are.”_ _

__Riko stalked off, leaving the son of a murderer in his wake. Rising Star was his. He would win._ _

__-_ _

__“He what?” Andrew asked, the cigarette in his hands crumbling to ash._ _

__Neil watched it fall to the ground outside the Maserati._ _

__Aaron and Katelyn walked over to the car. Aaron pulled his girlfriend closer, quickly picking up on his brother's rotten mood. Andrew looked like he could kill someone, specifically Riko._ _

__“We aren’t dropping out,” Neil insisted._ _

__“Do you have a death wish?”_ _

__“I’m leaving after Rising Star anyway. It doesn’t matter.”_ _

__Andrew had to school his features to keep his rage off his face. How could Neil just leave when he stayed in Andrew’s bed each night. How could he fucking do that? It was selfish and still, Andrew was helpless to stop him._ _

__“‘Drew?” Neil asked, grabbing his arm._ _

__Andrew flinched. He looked away from Neil before his emotions got the better of him, eyes fixating on Aaron. “Tell Nicky to hurry up or I’m leaving him.”_ _

__Aaron pulled out his phone and climbed in the car with Katelyn._ _

__Andrew could feel his boyfriend's eyes on him and felt sick. Neil stepped forward, gently tugging on his sleeve to get his attention._ _

__“‘Drew? What’s up?”_ _

__“Why do you need to go?”_ _

__“It’s for your safety. For Aaron, and Nicky’s. I don’t want to put them in danger.”_ _

__Andrew fished out another cigarette. “I’d keep you safe. I’d keep us safe.”_ _

__“It would put your family at risk, Andrew. You can’t protect us all.”_ _

__Andrew just tilted his head, pulling out his lighter. This was the same man who threatened to kill Neil if he hurt Aaron or Nicky. Now he was mad that Neil didn’t want to put them in danger._ _

__Neil frowned, leaning closer and studying him. “Who are you and what’d you do with Andrew?”_ _

__Andrew glared._ _

__“What? You’re being sentimental,” Neil laughed. “It’s weird.”_ _

__The blonde huffed in annoyance, taking a drag on a cigarette. He shook his head, watching Nicky come up to them._ _

__“Get in the car,” he said to both his cousin and his boyfriend._ _

__-_ _

__Neil laid on Andrew’s bed (his bed too, technically) with a textbook in front of him. He stared at the pages, not processing anything on them. His mind was racing._ _

__He didn’t want to back down from Rising Star now. He was so close. They could so easily win._ _

__Then there was the issue of leaving after. He really didn’t want to. He wanted to stay forever with Andrew. It just felt right. Being here, being Neil...it felt good. He didn’t want that feeling to fade. He didn’t want this whole thing to end._ _

__Neil felt Andrew sit on the bed next to him, holding out a cup of tea._ _

__“Thank you.”_ _

__Andrew just nodded, pulling his laptop into his lap._ _

__“Well? What’re you going to do tomorrow?”_ _

__Rising Star._ _

__It was tomorrow already. Neil felt like he was drowning._ _

__He sat up, tugging on the sleeves of his hoodie (Andrew’s) and stretched, careful with his drink still._ _

__“No idea. Either way is a risk,” he said quietly. “People will ask where Neil Josten went and then people will find out I’m not really Neil Josten--”_ _

__“How are you not Neil Josten?”_ _

__Neil opened his mouth to answer. He had no real answer and stayed quiet. He shook his head. He just didn’t feel quite real._ _

__“Neil Josten is like...a character, I guess,” he said softly. “Just a part I’m playing.”_ _

__“Neil seems real to me,” Andrew shrugged, sipping on hot chocolate. His green eyes met Neil’s over the mountain of whipped cream._ _

__He stared down at his tea. “I think I want to be real, to stay Neil.”_ _

__Andrew just nodded, not commenting. His eyes were now fixed on his laptop. Neil appreciated his gentle acceptance of his decisions._ _

__“Can I do that? Can I stay Neil?”_ _

__“I told you, you idiot, I’d keep you safe. All you have to do is stay,” Andrew said quietly, not looking up._ _

___Stay _, Neil thought. That was easy enough.__ _ _

____-_ _ _ _

____The next morning Neil woke with a violent jolt, nearly falling off the bed. His heartbeat roared in his ears. Andrew grabbed his arm instantly, grounding him. Or, trying to, at least._ _ _ _

____“Fuck,” Neil whispered, stumbling out of bed._ _ _ _

____He managed to get to the bathroom, kicking out Nicky who was doing his hair, before throwing up. Nicky complained loudly about his hair being half finished, but Neil ignored him. He fell back on the floor, holding himself. He was crying._ _ _ _

____He only looked up when the bathroom door slammed shut. He frowned up at Andrew who closed the lid of the toilet as he knelt in front of him._ _ _ _

____“Nightmare,” he guessed._ _ _ _

____Neil nodded. Andrew grabbed a towel, gently wiping around his mouth before turning the shower on. His gentleness always surprised the red-head._ _ _ _

____Nicky knocked on the door. “Can you at least give me my phone and the stuff to do my hair?” he cried._ _ _ _

____Andrew rolled his eyes and tossed the items at him. He proceeded to lock the door and help Neil to his feet. Neil sniffled, trying to remain here in this moment and not think about his dream. Everytime he blinked, he could see the beach, the fire, and the car. The person in the car--it wasn’t his mom. He scrubbed violently at his pale skin as if the sand still stuck there._ _ _ _

____Andrew, who had joined him under the hot water, gently took his hands. He kissed his forehead and carefully washed his hair. Andrew didn’t ask, didn’t push him to talk about the nightmare. He helped Neil clean up, put him in some fresh clothes and sat him on the couch while he made breakfast for everyone._ _ _ _

____Neil sat curled up, half watching the sitcom he’d never heard of. Andrew liked it, though. He could feel the man in question half watching him, half making their breakfast. He felt so tired, still half real. He was dizzy, not thinking properly. Dissociation, he thought faintly but didn’t want to feel real quite yet._ _ _ _

____He floated about in his head until Andrew came over to help him to the table. He knelt down next to him in his chair, studying him. He pressed a soft kiss to his lips before the others arrived. He felt a bit better after the kiss._ _ _ _

____Nicky came in, wrapped in a silky bathrobe. He sat down across from Neil eyeing the pancakes eagerly. Andrew didn’t let him get any until Neil did. Kevin arrived a few moments later like he usually did on weekends, despite his dad’s girlfriend making the best breakfasts ever (according to Nicky). He started discussing some vocal warmups with Neil, things he can do to prepare for tonight._ _ _ _

____Under the table, Neil’s leg started bouncing. His eyes kept flicking to the door. Kevin was irritating as hell. He wished he was still in his half-aware state so he didn’t process any of that. Andrew’s hand settled on his leg without looking at him._ _ _ _

____“Just eat your breakfast and shut the hell up,” Andrew growled at his bandmate._ _ _ _

____This made Katelyn, who stayed the night with Aaron, laugh softly. Andrew didn’t even acknowledge this, Neil had his full attention._ _ _ _

____“Drive?” Andrew asked his boyfriend._ _ _ _

____Neil nodded, getting up._ _ _ _

____“Just going to leave us with your dirty dishes?” Nicky called after him._ _ _ _

____“Not my problem,” Andrew said, walking out with Neil._ _ _ _

____Once in the car, Andrew looked over at him. Neil was having a hard time reading his emotions this morning. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking._ _ _ _

____“You don’t have to do this,” Andrew said quietly. “Rising Star, staying...any of it.”_ _ _ _

____Neil nodded, leaning back in his seat. He debated his next words carefully._ _ _ _

____“My mom never wanted this life for me. She wanted me to be normal, but I never got to choose anything for my life. My clothes, what I did, who to kiss...none of that,” Neil whispered, meeting his eyes. “I have nightmares where she shows me bad things that could happen...last night...you died.”_ _ _ _

____Andrew’s face softened. His hand slid across the console to hold Neil’s. Neil held on tight._ _ _ _

____“I want to do Rising Star.”_ _ _ _

____“Then we do it. Together.”_ _ _ _

____Neil nodded, leaning over to kiss his boyfriend._ _ _ _

_____Together._ _ _ _ _

______Almost as easy as _stay. _____ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil looked at himself in the mirror, tugging at the shirt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The shirt was cropped just above his belly button, leaving his scars visible. He wondered if it even mattered. If Riko had already told the whole damn world who he was before he went out on stage. He was too scared to check Social Media and had gone so far as to leave his phone at home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He could hear Riko’s shitty singing from here. He hadn’t announced it to the audience yet either. It did nothing to ease the anxiety that lived inside Neil._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________His cropped t-shirt was solid black with a long sleeve mesh shirt underneath. His skirt was a pleated black leather skirt that complemented the jacket Andrew usually wore. He looked hot, if he said so himself. Even with his scars exposed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There was a knock on the bathroom door. Neil recognized the knock. It was Andrew. He opened up the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yeah?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We’re on in ten.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil nodded, stepping out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I like it,” Andrew nodded to his crop top._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Andrew wore dark skinny jeans, a gray t-shirt. He looked hot without any effort. Neil loved it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You ready?” Andrew asked, holding out his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil took it nodding. “Has Kevin had a melt down yet?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Twice,” Andrew said with a small laugh._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They walked over to their bandmates. Kevin was pacing about and Nicky was on a phone call with someone. Neil assumed it was Erik, his boyfriend, but he couldn’t be sure. Andrew rolled his eyes at his cousin, but didn’t comment further._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________A few minutes later RIko was stepping off stage, passing Neil._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You’re really going to do this?” he asked in a low voice._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“If you’re going to out me as the son of a murderer, I thought I might as well look good,” Neil shrugged casually, despite his racing pulse._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Riko growled at this. “Fuck you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I think that’s my job, Riko, but thanks for the offer,” Andrew said, his grip on Neil’s hand tight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Riko stepped away from Andrew. He was genuinely scared of him, most people were. He turned and walked off with his bandmates. Neil held the microphone in his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sixty seconds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Andrew kissed his cheek. “You’ve got this, junkie.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil grinned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil walked out onto the stage as the stagehands counted down. He greeted the crowd before they went into their first song._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________He sang the last chorus of their final song, grabbing Andrew's shirt, whispering yes or no (“...Yes, dumbass.”) and kissed him for the whole arena to see. He wondered if this is what love was like._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You were amazing,” he said in Andrew’s ear over the roar of the crowd._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Something in Andrew’s eyes softened. He pulled Neil close and kissed him again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil was barely backstage when he slammed into the speakers that were hidden behind the curtains on the sides of the stage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Riko looked furious. There was a fire in his eyes that Neil recognized. It reminded Neil of his father, he realized with a pang of horror._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil could faintly hear Nicky and Kevin wrestling to keep Andrew from killing Riko. He shoved back against Riko but the taller boy didn’t budge._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Listen—“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“The competition is over Riko,” Neil said calmly. “Anything you say now will seem like it was done in a fit of jealousy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You think I won’t tell them?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I know you won’t, you’ve trapped yourself in a corner. The King always falls,” he said, shoving Riko again. “There’s a clear winner tonight, Riko. And it’s not you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________This time Riko stumbled back. Realization hit him like a truck. He missed his chance to tell everyone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Oh, and it’s best to keep this bit of information between us. See, I knew your father when I was little,” Neil hummed. “He’s done some very bad things and I have a feeling the world would believe me...that the rich spoiled brat got all his money illegally.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Riko’s eyes darkened. Nicky laughed to his left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How do you—What—?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil winked. “Go find your band mates, Riko. They’re lost without their leader.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The taller boy stormed off, shoving people violently out of his way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Kevin stared at Neil as if he had just killed someone. “You have a death wish.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Andrew stepped away from his cousin and band mate, inspecting Neil to ensure he was okay. He relaxed when Neil showed no physical wounds._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m fine, ‘Drew,” he said quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Andrew just nodded, looking down at Neil’s outfit. “I really like the shirt,” he said just loud enough for Neil to hear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to distract himself. He didn’t mind though. He grinned._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Maybe I’ll wear it more often,” he suggested._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Andrew nodded. “You’re staying, then. You’re really staying?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Neil looked down at him, meeting his eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________How could he leave Andrew? How could he leave the first real, fully his thing that he’d ever had? This band, this small family he had..._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Yes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To stay was to fight every instinct he had, but he’d fought too hard to give up now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So, he’d stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Win or lose. He’d stay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-fin-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
